Thursday, April 5, 2012

Accounting for Tastes

Ugh, I gained back most of that hard-won 15 lb weight loss.

Yesterday I was around 161 lb. I'm 5'5" and a solid size 10 in normal clothing. (Actually, I am pretty amazed when I see women who are much larger than me at the same height and might even weigh less.  Muscle is really denser than fat).

When I was down to 150, size 8's were an easy fit. I felt Marvelous, and according to my DEXA scan, I was around a "Crossfit ideal" body fat of 22%-ish.

I just want to be healthy, strong, not jiggly, and feel good in my clothes. And be able to look good in what I want to wear.

I know I'm never going to be "small". My bones and muscles are simply too big for that. I am okay with that. (Interestingly, my sister is the same height as me but weighs about 30 or 40 lb less than me at any given time, even though she is very strong herself, yet what a person off the street would call 'thin'. My shoulders and rib cage are a bit broader. Our lower legs look almost identical).

I love my legs and butt - they are pretty much all muscle and I finally have a nice ass that isn't a "flatliner"! (Thank you, squats!) My boobs aren't too big or too small. When I move my arms, you can tell I have muscle around my shoulders.

My upper arms are solid if I make a fist and you squeeze them, but they're not ripped. They're not flabby chicken-skin, either, though, so I am okay with that and sleeveless shirts don't bother me.

As with all women, there are body parts I am not as happy with...

- My "back-fat". What my sister and I call the fat under your bra-band. It's not horrendous, but I'd rather have it flatter back there. You can squeeze a small handful if you reach behind my ribcage and go for the gusto.

- My face is a huge tell-tale. The rounder it is, the more fat I have on me. The more heart-shaped it is, the thinner I am.

- My belly. Gut. Stomach. Whatever you want to call it, that-right-there is where I hold on to my fat. It sticks out like a shelf, thankfully not like a beer gut or prego-belly, but it pooches out. My mom and I used to joke that if we could redistribute the fat, we'd push our guts out into our (then-flat) butts and boobs.

Honestly, I'd rather have a gut than a wide butt or hips or saddlebags or muffin top.... it could be a lot worse and a lot less flattering when I look in the mirror.

Even at 150 lb, I still had a gut. It was smaller, for sure, but still there. I sort of accepted it as just where the repository of fat on me hung out. 

Here's the deal. I don't hate myself, in fact I am quite proud that I am intelligent and have a good personality, and a good sense of humor about most things in life.  I've got great family and friends and a great boyfriend. I just want there to be a little less of me so that I feel even better about my outsides than I do about myself as a person. :)

I just need a little nudge to get going again. I am going back low-carb Paleo.Maybe blogging my meals will help. I use on and off to track diet, but ... eh. I get bored, the app doesn't work too smoothly, I stop using it and forget.

MEALS EATEN 4/4/2012:

- Breakfast: 6 slices bacon, heavy cream (yea yea out of the container :-) ), apple
- tea, iced & hot (no sugar)
- slices of grass-fed cheddar, pear, more heavy cream  (couple of swigs)
- Lunch: pork chop, kale sauteed with olive mix
- Dinner: pork chop, kale as above, cauliflower roasted with curry powder
- water in there somewhere

MEALS EATEN 4/5/2012

- Breakfast: 3 pieces bacon, cauliflower roasted with curry powder
- tea, iced
- 1 bottle Guayaki Yerba Mate (18g carbohydrate, 76 cal total)

- Lunch (planned): pork chop *they were big!*, rest of kale from above, kumquats
- Dinner (planned): chicken curry / Tom Kha Gai (or whatever that Thai coconut soup is called) - esque thing cooked on the stove... probably over more cauliflower or somehow loaded with veggies

REST DAY TODAY! Yeah! Went and lifted Tues and Wed. God I love that place. :-)

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